Girls and Her

When I first heard of the Girls…I was appalled. And that is putting it lightly. My self-loathing was tangible, palpable oozing so bad I had to work over time and two extra shifts to deny it. It felt like I was looking in a mismatched mirror of my own desperate past, that was now for all to see, objectify, ridicule. It was like self-loathing on super speed. I refused to watch it. One time, out at dinner at a semi-chic (read; not so good and overpriced) then-new restaurant in Bed-Stuy (so Girls) my friend told me that I reminded her of Lena Dunham. Not, her alter ego Hannah, but the real LD herself. I almost died. I had not yet seen Tiny Furniture or Girls, but still, it was like a kick to the lady parts that made me want to flip my gourmet macaroni slider ball covered table and storm out to wait 45 minutes for the G.

Anyways, there was a lot of weird self-loathing slash overall annoyance with the show…before I actually sat down to watch it and TF.  Of course, I LOVED. IT. because obviously how else would that story end.

Not only do I love the show-not my favorite in history but-hilarious and uncomfortable nipple showing half shirts and all, but I deeply admire Lena Dunham. She REPRESENTS. She OWNS her shit. She basically has a mini Bey thing goin on, not as fabulous of course, no one could be, but we can all aspire. Perhaps most importantly, she is a boss. She runs the show, writes it, produces it, and doesn’t give a damn what people think. Especially of how she looks, which by the way makes her a fucking hero to like millions of women. Not saying she is perfect, and I kind of wish she would write Hannah to be more like Lena, but whatever. The point is, I was way wrong.

Now, when I saw the trailer for Her, starring Joaquin Phoenix I literally barfed in my mouth a couple of times over and over again, then once for real on the floor. Then I saw this article in the Atlantic; why it is THE BEST film of the year… Oh congratulations you mega douche. You love your phone. Novel concept really…oh wait, have you ever met ANYONE before?! If only your character was a little bit more like your “character” I’m Still Here, then I think things could get for realsies interesting. Remember how much you hated women in that movie? It’s almost like you could make them disappear! Which is exactly what has happened in Her. Ahhh, sweet relief. A womanless world.

Which brings me to my next point. Another character who made a lady disappear, Stanley Tucci in The Lovely Bones.

Can I get a Hello?!The whole PDA with your PDA (who happens to be Scarlett Johansson, I mean are you kidding me Jonze) joke is like MADE with the movie though, thanks for that at least. But, just like with Girls maybe I should watch it and it won’t make me want to die so much. Except, Girls is all about, well…it’s in the title…girls running their shit. Her, on the other hand, is just that…the objectifying, commodifying, empty, perfect, AI girlfriend any hetero-normative mustachioed tool can ever hope to Google.Congrats to you on that.


NYC LARPs, shit gets called out

This guy larped, 1870 uniform, narrating story as "Charles"

Charles: yo so i did the LES Murder Mystery show with then Tenement Museum yesterday and some guy runs up to me in the middle of it and starts yelling at me to get out of the neighborhood
so i stay in character and make a joke about him and the people laugh and hes like “I heard that! I heard you all laughing at me!”

what did you say??

Charles: i dont remeber
i have a line about how people go poo in the street
and i think i said he was one of the biggest pooers
and then he called me and asshole and wouldn’t leave till we moved down the street
and was yelling its 2009 until we left

me: was he just crazy person?

Charles: no he was a hipster

me: really???

Charles: yeah, he was mad cuz “they’re always doing something on this street, shooting movies, its not a stage its where people live.”
but of course he would never say anything to the people shooting the movie, hell just interrupt the live theatre show being run by the Tenement Museum, those horrible people who are ruining the neighborhood…sorry for the rant

me: no its hilarious
its just out of hand
i mean great experience for you i guess

Charles: at the time i thought it was funny, but the more i think about the angrier i get at that guy…
p.s. he lives in my building, i saw him go in after he yelled at us

and you were like…see you later

Charles: no but i wonder if hell recognize me
I was in a full on 1870’s costume

me: but what are you going to do!

Charles: ill be cool, but if he says anything im going to tell him to man up and yell at the huge movie studios that shut down the streets and stop you from waling home instead of events run by the tenement museum whose sole purpose is to enrich the neighborhood and educate the people about how awesome it is
i regret using the word awesome

me: i think we should just dress up in full 1870 gear
and wait outside the door with lead pipes
and then sing an old irish drinking song to him

Charles: and then?

me: thats all

Charles: no hitting with the pipes?

me: well use the pipes as dancing batons

Charles: hahah!
thats a bit!
write it down

me: thats not a bit
talking about bits is a bit
also its already technically “written down”

Charles: i know, but saying its a bit, is too inside of a bit

me: elaborate?

Charles: its an inside joke with comedians
to be like thats a bit
you wouldn’t understand

my top ten plague movies

Since the dawn of film Biblical narratives have been interwoven with cinematic experiences, including the ten plagues. The Ten Plagues cursed not only the Egyptians of the Bible, but have carried on in celluloid variations to sicken movie goers as well. According to the Book of Exodus, God deployed ten plagues on Egypt to convince the Pharoah to let the Israelites go. With this plaguely plethura and Hollywood’s ability to endlessly tweek formulas, some scripts almost (miraculously) write themselves.
Although some of these films may not have been the most contagious, they just go to show that the Bible and other mythological disaster stories seem forever relevant to pop culture. If you have ever wanted to experience the plagues first hand perhaps it’s time to pop in one of these old favorites — consider it a less traditional Bible study.

1. Water to Blood
One of the more spine tingly plagues- the turning of the Nile river into a blood bath for all the fishes and farmers alike- sounds like a thriller flick already. This plague has appeared in supernatural and horror films time and time again in such family favorites as Nightmare on Elm Street and the Amityville Horror II: The Possesion.

2. Frogs
The second plague occurred when Aaron called all the frogs to congregate in Egypt before all being killed by the Pharoah. Problem solved right? Not quit yet. In 1972 George McCowan made the film by the same title- Frogs- the second curse on humanity with an amphibic name.

3. Gnats
The third plague happened as Aaron struck his staff to the sands of Egypt and all of that dust turned into irritating gnats. If you have ever wondered how annoying those gnats would be, I suggest William Friedkin’s 2006 Bug . Although we never see any actual bugs, there’s enough fly paper to plaster a lunatic’s bedroom and we’re pretty sure our main characters are plagued with…something itchy.

4. Flies
Similar, but slightly more annoying than the previous plague Flies is number four. This proved to disappoint after thinking the pharoah had finally let up, only to have the plagues continue. This sentiment may have been shared by David Cronenberg in his 1986 movie The Fly.

5. Beasts killed
We meet the fifth plague of pestilence and the killing of livestock in a particularly unforgettable scene in The Godfather. When one Hollywood executive, Jack Woltz, wakes up with an unexpected guest in his bed, that is if a decapitated horse can be considered a guest.

6. Incurable boils
Another dust induced plague, boils or skin disease, seems like a really bad fate. But the news gets worse with unknown director ‘Rusty Nail’s’ 2005 Acne. This is a rare instance where the actual plague may be preferred to its filmic counterpart.

7. Storm
In Egypt there was fire and thunder, in Wolfgang Peterson’s The Perfect Storm there was one tiny boat and one really big wave. There’s also a really good storm in Jan de Bont’s 1996 Twister if you don’t have your sea legs.

8. Locusts
Don’t let John Schlesinger’s 1975 Day of the Locusts fool you into believing it would be about locusts; it is in fact a tale of young Hollywood love. The only movie to include locusts is obviously Cecil B. DeMille’s 1956 favorite The Ten Commandments. This may in fact be hitting one bird with ten commandments.

9. Darkness
The choice film to feature darkness, the ninth plague, is inconspicuously Pitch Black. David Twohy’s 2000 sci-fi action thriller (with the tagline “Fight evil with evil”) The Chronicles of Riddic: Pitch Black. Bon appetit.

10. Loss of the First Born
Curtis Hanson’s 1992 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle reflects just how devastating this final (Thank God) plague can be, and why one should always background check their nannys.

Whatever Forever

The Guggenheim’s new show “Anyspacewhatever”show opens tomorry the 24th.  Art Newspaper claims that the shows title is based on Deleuzian cinema speak “any space whatever” but I think that it really just comes down to the cool factor.

Por Ejemplo: Case study 1. Sifl & Olly

Case Study 2. Garrison Keillorin his podcast from October 14th talks about mid-life crises and how one may be apt to buy “skinny jeans and an oversized t-shirt that says WHATEVER on it”

Is this the Guggenheims version of Garrison Keillor’s version of a mid-life crisis?

What I am looking forward to24 Hour Psycho Back and Forth and To and Fro Gordon’s new iteration of the work 24 Hour Psycho (1993) slows down the 1960 Hitchcock thriller to a full-day cycle on a split screen installation, running the film both forward and in reverse.”

What I am not looking forward toweird (and rentable!) hotel room that spins. “Revolving Hotel Room” to you I say- Ikreepa. Annnd, so ok it spins and people rent it at night then we get to watch it in the day time. whooooo. it’s like, wow experience the art as design AS we interact with it as participants and voyeurs. can it get any more Norwegian?

Made up magic world (ft.cotton candy)

You, my friend, look like the guy that mothers pull their children away from before crossing to the opposite side of the street.

You look like the guy who is made of rubber and moth balls.

You look like the guy who stalks you into a corner, waving his arms with clenched fists while saying “it’s your own fault if you get in my way”.

You look like the guy who bumps into you and knocks your ice cream cone on the ground, as he doesn’t apologize because he’s on his cellular headset.

but most of all, you look like a hawk-mole, at once the hunter and the hunted.

Who let the tweens out?

Happy Octobersmbirthdayfest!

It is my favorite month, full of ghoulies and goblins, candy and cake. What more do you want?

Apparently, some culture mongers really want it all…Pretend these are real ghost hunting/capturing instructions.

But in all seriousness…not to be one of those bloggers who complains about baby strollers in Park Slope, it’s called “walking around them”, but come on youngins. This quote un quote how to is nothing more than a big joke. It’s like you are actually posing yourselves as real ghost hunters.

There are lots of real ghost hunters, but apparently they are too busy hunting real live ghosts to tell us how to do it! And more power to them is what I say, keep on catching those ghosties and dEVILs running around. I saw the Warren’s once in middle school, then 3 times subsequently. How Weird!

I’ll show  you how to pretend there are ghosts around. It’s called saying bloody mary 33 times with two people saying it at the same time and then writing in blood on the bathroom mirror- don’t let a five-year-old use wikihow!